Giant Baby Steps

We often think of big decisions as giant steps or leaps of faith. In my experience, however, what appears as a big decision is likely made up of countless little choices. Baby steps.

And even baby steps sometimes feel like terrifying, giant leaps.

Three examples come to mind.

ADOPTING
I remember laughing once or twice at the cautions people gave us during our adoption process. Something about not rushing in. I laughed because with all of the papers and interviews and fingerprints and processes (and money) involved, I'm pretty sure nobody has ever adopted internationally on a whim. It would be impossible. Every step required effort, from researching agencies to attending trainings to home studies to immigration paperwork. Over and over we made the choice again to pursue adopting our son. It was not one giant leap. There were hundreds of steps involved. (Do I need to say I'm so glad we did it? I'M SO GLAD WE DID IT.)

MOVING OVERSEAS
There may have been less paperwork involved with moving overseas as missionaries, but there were just as many steps and decisions. Like when to... Tell the family. Contact the missions agency. Tell our pastor. Fill out the first application. Tell church leadership team. Don't tell anyone else. Attend the week-long interview. Fill out the rest of the application. Sign up for psychological evaluation. Say yes to the invitation to training. Tell the rest of the church. List the house for rent. Move to Canada for training. Learn to say, "eh?" and drink Tim Horton's. (wink.) Say yes to vulnerability with trainees. Say yes to Peru. Figure out a potential timeline. (I think you get the point.) There were a lot of steps and each one required effort and courage and determination and making a choice. Over and over we had to choose to keep going rather than turn back. It was in that season God taught me this important lesson:

Indecision and doubt are enemies of perseverance.

It is very, very hard to persevere when you haven't made up your mind or aren't sure you can do something.

WRITING A BOOK
This is the example I am living right now. Most of you don't know that I have been dreaming for the last several years about writing a book (because I haven't made the choice and taken the step to tell you!) about our journey to Peru and back. I have had this little project tucked away in my heart and our dropbox because I'm scared of showing it to practically anyone. I'm slowly working on it, but have wrestled over and over and over with whether or not I really want to do it. (Remember what I said up there about indecision and doubt?)

Every time I decide (once again), "Yes. I am going to write this book." another choice confronts me. So maybe I'll write it, but will I let anyone read it? Maybe. Maybe I'll get it printed by my friends in Peru and keep the copies in my trunk and whenever I feel led to share my soul on paper with someone I can hand them a copy. (Sounds safe and fair enough.) OR will I sell it online so anyone can buy it? Will I tell The World or just my little world? Will I dare to go to this retreat coming up by some authors I like? Because if I do, I'm pretty sure my safe little boat is going to get rocked and WHAT IF GOD TRIES TO LEAD ME TO ACTUALLY TURN IN A BOOK PROPOSAL TO A REAL PUBLISHER??? (Hold on while I hyperventilate just a little bit, please.)

Even though my email inbox is flooded with the secrets to a great book launch and how to write and market a best-seller, I don't actually want to go there. I've just barely accepted the idea of a quiet, little printing process..... that I can control.

(I typed those last words r e a l l y  s l o w l y . . .)

S i g h . . .

Lord, is that really what this is about? I want to keep control of my story because I don't trust others to be kind and I don't trust You to protect my heart in the process? I'm so sorry.

Friend, maybe you're in the middle of your own Big Decision that is made up of lots of tiny choices. Can we do this together? Even if we aren't quite ready to say "YES" to the next step, can we at least say "NO" to some enemies?

By your power and in your name, Jesus, I say no to fear. I say no to doubt. I say no to my desire to control and protect my story and my heart. I say no to fear of failure. I say no to fear of man. To fear of rejection and to worry and anxiety. And I do say yes to You, Holy Spirit. Yes to your power at work in my weaknesses. Yes to weakness turned into strength. And yes to letting the Family of God encourage me in this journey.

I have held back sharing because I've been afraid people wouldn't understand my dream and I wouldn't feel validated and that might mean I should quit. I've also felt like I needed to be sure all by myself before I shared with anyone else because I needed to not depend on validation from others. This morning, however, I believe God showed me the third way. (There's almost always a third way.)

Share with others in the Body, not for the sake of validation, but for the sake of mutual encouragement.

What would it be like if I invite you to take this journey with me? What if I let you and others encourage me? What if just being in this with me encourages you on your journey and inspires you to take your own scary baby steps?
What if I stop making this about me and instead make it about God and His people?

That's a lot harder to say "no" to.

If nothing else, I'm sure I don't want fear to be my reason for not making a choice. Even if I take no other steps today, I may find saying "no" to fear is a big enough baby step after all. For today, at least.

Walk By Faith...

Walk with me?
~Melissa

Here is Love... Vast as the Ocean

Last weekend was so amazing... for several reasons. Actually, for one: God is FAITHFUL. And He proved it BIG TIME!!! : ) Before the whole story, though, I (of course) have to give you a little background!

Way back in 2007 when we were working on our adoption paperwork, Lowell's sister and bro-in-law were doing the same thing over in Thailand (where they've lived since 2001). We were all so excited God had been leading both of our families to adopt and that our kids would have a Thai adopted cousin to share their experiences with. In 2008 when we were matched and preparing to travel, they got word that their file/adoption was 95% complete and they couldn't wait to bring home whatever little princess they were matched with - soon! They and their 2 boys (and the grandparents and aunts, uncles and cousins!), however, kept waiting and praying and waiting and praying... for over another year before they were FINALLY matched with an adorable little girl just before this last Thanksgiving. They thought they just might be able to bring her home before Christmas!!! They were so excited! (In case you're wondering, they are adopting directly through the Thai social system, so it's very different than our process was.)

Well, Christmas came and went. So did New Year's. And with every week, the anticipation and anguish and excitement and agony grew. Because they live less than an hour away from Bangkok, they were actually able to go visit their little princess at the orphanage where she has been so lovingly cared for. It was so good for them to get to go see her several times... but so SO hard to keep saying goodbye! After waiting for SO long, the wait just kept going and at times it felt like it would go on forever.

Well.

Friday morning a week ago we woke up to a message on our machine from Lowell's sister saying they were going to get to bring her home that day. HOME.

HOME!!!!!

I was SO HAPPY. Literally dancing with joy! After so long, to finally know she was going home... it was just too much joy and relief to bear quietly. : ) And it was the perfect way to start off my weekend. Just a few hours later I was on my way up the foothills to our church's 4th annual women's retreat where this year I was leading worship. I just couldn't wait to get up there and praise God for His faithfulness!!! I also couldn't wait to see how He was going to meet with us and speak to each of us there. Our theme was "Heart to Heart" and our theme verse was "Love never fails." One of the songs we were singing was "Here Is Love". These are the lyrics to the first stanza:

Here is love, vast as the ocean

Lovingkindness as the flood

When the Prince of Life, our ransom

Shed for us His precious blood

It's a beautiful old hymn that I was looking forward to teaching the ladies at the end of our session Friday night. As our speaker was talking, I was thinking back on the day and my joy about my niece finally going home with her family when it hit me. I love that little girl so much... and I have since I knew she was "ours." If she's on the other side of the ocean, then the love I have for her is "as vast as the ocean" even though I've never touched her and she's never heard my voice... And the love I have for her is NOTHING in comparison to the love that God has for each one of us.

(Isn't she CUTE?????!!!!!)

God was also SO faithful to meet us last weekend. His Presence with us was at times breath-taking. He did stuff in our hearts that needed to be done. He wove our hearts together. He filled us with ridiculous joy. : ) And He reminded me of how much He loved me.

God told me this once... and if you listen, I believe He'll say it to you, too...

I love you wider than the ocean.

Deeper than the grandest canyon.

Higher than the stars that shine up in the sky.

And I love you as long as eternity!

There is no place in the depths where He can lose us. No place in the cosmos where He would not love us. No stretch of eternity when He has not loved us or will not love us. When He has not or will not love me.

Thank You Father, for Your love for me that is as vast as the ocean... I don't know what else to say. (Except that I love you back.)

Grand Finales!

What a week this has been!!! Thursday was Mikaela's last day of school and just in time, on Tuesday she made it into the Million Word Club at her school!!! That means she read over a million words this school year! Just to give you an idea what an accomplishment that is, the goal for 2nd graders is to read 75,000 words by the end of the year and only one other 2nd grader made it into the Million Word Club this year. (Yes, I am extremely proud of my little bilingual girl!!! Sorry, I can't help it!!!) Here she is getting her MWC shirt from the principal Wed. morning in front of the whole school:

With her teacher...

The front says: READ?

The back: I DO!

THEN, yesterday we all got to go down to the Fresno County Superior Courthouse and finalize our adoption of Timothy!!! It means he is officially, forever ours and we are so happy do be done with that part of the process. (We still have a few formalities like applying for his soc. sec. card and registering at the Thai embassy sometime, but the legal stuff is done! YAY!) After the court ceremony we celebrated at Timothy's Grandad and Grandma's house with lunch and lots of fun!

Waiting outside for our turn...

The Jury... : )

We're done! Our Finally Official Family!

Travel Update!

In case you’ve been wondering…

· Toby’s birthday party Sunday: simple, done and fun!

· Plane tickets: obsessed about and finally purchased this morning

· Other documents prepared and being sent to Oregon and on to Bangkok tomorrow

· Meeting Thursday with United States Citizenship & Immigration Services to figure out what’s going on with Kamin’s visa

· Lots of praying and praising and thinking this all seems impossible but knowing with God everything is possible.

And this weekend? We’re going camping. Because it was planned a long time ago to go with some good friends and their kids and it will be good to be in the mountains one last time without a toddler, spending time together and taking a break from the preparations, paying attention to my kids who are getting less than normal right now since I’ve been staring at plane ticket options for days at a time (or so it seems) (I’m so grateful for our local grandparents!) and breathing a bit before this rollercoaster starts up again next week.

So now you know. : ) And I’ll say it again… God is good!

Melissa

"If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast."

Psalm 139:9-10

And I thought I was excited about an update... WE FOUND OUT YESTERDAY WE'RE TRAVELLING TO THAILAND IN AUGUST!!!!!

I am in shock and so, so excited and a bit in a daze... (Lowell keeps saying I'm "so pregnant"... meaning I'm doing things like putting conditioner on my hair (in the shower) before rinsing out the shampoo. Stuff like that.) Yesterday our adoption agency called and asked if we had plans for the last week in August... (AUGUST, PEOPLE!!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW SOON THAT IS?????) We are scheduled for the August 27 board meeting in Thailand where we will be approved to adopt Kamin! We were expecting to travel the end of September at the earliest, so August is a total surprise. Goes to show you just never know what's going to happen! We were matched with our little boy in March and typically people travel 6-9 months later. We are travelling after only 5 months. WOW! Apparently God thinks it's time! : ) We'll probably fly out of Fresno Thurs. 8/21 and we'll meet him the first time Sunday the 24th. You can pray that our immigration application for Kamin gets approved quickly. According to the processing times found online for the USCIS office, we need a miracle. : ) But that's what God does, so I'm okay with that. I'll try to write again soon with more details. I just wanted to share our excitement with you all. You are definitely a part of our adventure! : ) But if you don't hear from me again right away, it will be because I'm working on travel documents and getting mixed up about things like shampooing my hair and not sleeping at night and staring at his pictures and walking around in a daze saying things like "I can't believe we're leaving in less than 4 weeks!!!" and trying to figure out what to do next. YAY and THANK YOU GOD!!!!!

We got another update! Yay!

We were surprised yesterday with another update on Kamin! It's so amazing to me how much he changed in the 2 months between the updates! As of the end of May, he was sitting, crawling, pulling up on stuff. I'm betting he's walking by now. But what made me the most excited was that they said he likes music! : ) I was so excited to see that!!! While I know almost all kids like music, I'm still happy that he likes it enough that they would bother mentioning it in his progress report! My kids and I marvelled at seeing a picture of him holding pictures of them in a little photo album we sent back in March. So surreal to think he's looking at pictures of us and maybe listening to our voices on the CD we sent later! Mikaela and Toby also said it looks like he's turning into a little brother. So sweet. : ) When I was tucking Toby in last night, he wanted to know why we couldn't go get Kamin and bring him home already! Anyway, I just thought I'd share with you all!!! We're still not posting pics on the web, but if you email me (or just leave a comment if I have your email address already) I can send you a picture if you want to see one. I keep staring at the pictures trying to burn them into my memory... I'm glad I won't have to do that forever! : ) Melissa

Thank You & Thank You!

First thank you... to all of you who commented or emailed birthday greetings to our son. You are all so sweet and even though the comments have not made it into the journal yet (see below) they will!!! And they will be cherished forever... : )

Second thank you... To God and to my husband who managed to recover the files we thought might be lost forever when our hard drive decided to stop working and start crashing on Tuesday. Ahhh... The little file called "Recovery" created from our backup files brings new meaning to the term "Celebrate Recovery"! : ) Our pictures from the last several years aren't lost!

On the other hand... I did spend less time on the computer this week and that wasn't a bad thing. Though the house is not so clean that you would know. And I had something really thought-provoking to tell you all about that I had been pondering... but it too has apparently not been recovered from some crashed file in my brain. So for now, this is all you get. Until my brain is recovered.

OH!!! I just remembered what it was! I was going to talk about little girls and romance! I'll try not to forget between now and next time. And you'll get an extra week's worth of pondering. Scary, I know.

Last thing. Yesterday Toby said it was "sweltering." Learned that word from WordGirl, he did. PBS, you are amazing. : )

Have a swell, sweltering week, wherever you are!!!

Happy, Happy Birthday Baby!

Well, way over on the other side of the world... my son is celebrating his first birthday! It's already almost noon on July 7 in Bangkok... but to celebrate here, Lowell, the kids and I are going to dinner at the Elephant Bar tomorrow night. I know, I know. The food there isn't Thai. BUT Mik and Toby love it and there are really big elephants there and elephants are very Thai, so it's close enough. : ) The festivities will be topped off with an elephant cake... because I think it will be really cute and it might be my only chance to make one because by next year I'm sure he will have his own opinion about what he wants on his cake!!! In case you're wondering if this is an emotional day for us or not... I'll let you know when I do. I'm not sure how I'll feel tomorrow. There have been a few emotional moments for me, but not about what you probably expect. I never expected him to be with us on his birthday, so I'm okay with that. I actually think it's special he gets to spend this day with his foster family. I know they love him very much and we will (God willing) have lots more birthdays to celebrate with him. But I'm thinking also about his first mommy... the one who spent his first birthday with him and that's probably when I get the most emotional. Talking about her is way too personal for me to do on the blog... but I can say she has a very special place in my heart and I'm thinking about her... And while you won't be eating cake with us tomorrow, you can still do something special with us for him. I am extending an invitation to all of you to send Kamin a birthday greeting! I have been writing in a journal to him for over 2 years now and think it would be special to have in there notes from his family and friends. It is something he really WILL get to read someday and could mean a lot to him. (And even if it doesn't, it will mean a lot to me and his daddy and brother and sister.) So if you want to, leave Kamin a note in the comments or email it to me. Either way, I'll print it out and put it in the journal so he'll know he was loved before he even got home.

And Happy Birthday Kamin... We love you so much!!! Love, Your Forever Mommy

The Same and Yet So Different... Part 2!

Some more things I've been thinking about regarding our adoptive pregnancy... When you're pregnant, you're typically the first one to know what's going on. There are exceptions, but usually you find out first that you really are pregnant, you feel the morning-sickness and EXHAUSTION, you feel the baby moving, you feel the first contractions, etc. But when you're adopting, there are other people who know more than I do about my son! There are other women who have mothered him and social workers and doctors who have examined him and a family that loves him and knows him, and there will be a board of officials who will determine and know when we get to have him for good... all before I get to know! There are days when I'm perfectly at peace with that, and other days when it makes my heart ache. But thankfully, there haven't been as many achy days as peaceful days. All by God's grace!!! Another blessing (or not!) about being pregnant is that you are surrounded by many, many women who either are pregnant of were once upon a time and many of them will tell you their stories about being pregnant and labor, etc. whether you want them to or not!!! With adoption, first of all nobody can tell just by looking at you that you are in the process of adopting. (Once Kamin is home, it will be a little more obvious!) : ) But it's harder to find people who know what you're going through. I met a family last week who recently adopted a little girl and it was so wonderful to get to talk with them. And there a woman at our church who is also adopting and I'm so grateful to see her every Sunday! But I'm contemplating putting together (maybe) an adoption support/play/connection group so it can happen more often. We'll see..... I remember when I was pregnant, especially the first time, it was hard to believe there was really a baby inside me that I would be able to hold someday... but as time went by, I only had to feel her move and look at my ever-expanding tummy to know she was really real! This time, I have days when it's really hard to believe I have another child on the other side of the world... but I look at his picture and remember it somehow really is true! He is real and will be ours to keep in a matter of months! And then I'll get an email from our agency that says this: "You'll also need to provide a copy of the '07 return as a component of the pre-travel visa forms that you'll be receiving from me this week." Pre-travel visa forms!!! This week!!! Whenever I get stuff in the mail from Holt I get excited and it seems real (in a surreal sort of way) all over again. And then I panic for a moment when I think of all the work I have to do before then... switching the kids rooms, cleaning out their closets, etc... and life goes back to normal. : ) (Whatever that means!) : ) Melissa

The Same and Yet So Different!

I've been thinking lately about Belly Pregnancies vs. Heart Pregnancies. Things like: The desire to know when the baby's due vs. the desire to know when the baby's coming home; Not knowing until you're in labor when it will happen vs. Not knowing until you get a phone call when it will happen; Ever-Changing Physical Appearance announcing that your life is about to change vs. Nothing anybody would notice (I hope!); Seeing an ultrasound of your baby growing inside you vs. Seeing a picture of your baby living on the other side of the world; Having the grocery store clerk ask you when you're due vs. wondering if you should say 2 or 3 when they ask how many children you have; packing a bag to go to the hospital vs. packing to go to Thailand; being careful about chemicals and caffeine and medications because YOU are your baby's environment vs. having no control whatsoever over your child's environment (except through prayer!)... But still there are so many similarities... Dreaming about what his personality is like, what he'll be when he grows up, what his name will be, wanting to get his room (which he'll share with Toby) ready, wanting to prepare the siblings for his arrival, falling in love before you've even looked into each other's eyes, lots of tears upon finally meeting (his because he doesn't really know who you are and yours because he's finally REAL and in your arms...) and mostly a deep sense of having to trust God and gratefulness in being able to, knowing that we are being blessed beyond measure with another little heart to love. I started "feeling pregnant" when our dossier was sent to Thailand... almost exactly 9 months ago. What's a few more months??? Just one more difference... Y, Melissa

Thank-FULL

Last weekend we went to Cambria (on the coast of California, a couple of hours away from where we live). And God taught me a lesson about thankfulness. On Saturday afternoon we went to the beach. I had this big plan to build a big sandcastle. We had buckets, shovels… we were set! Except the beach we went to didn’t have great sandcastle-building sand like I remembered. It had pebbles. Lots and lots and lots of pebbles and a little bit of sand. And once we got there and we discovered that Lowell was right and I was wrong, we couldn’t just go somewhere else, because we were waiting for Lowell's brother and his family to meet us there and we didn’t have cell service.

We sat down and tried to build a castle with the little bit of sand that was there, but it collapsed. So we just played in the pebbles and dug holes and fed and chased sea gulls and searched for “gems”. Mikaela had quite a beautiful collection of pretty rocks (her "gems") and by the end of our time there, we were all hunting with her. Well, in the middle of my gem hunting, I found a real treasure: thankfulness.

About a week ago, I was asking God about my tendency toward regret & disappointment. For example, I was really sad when I found out we could have sent Kamin a camera and other gifts when he was referred to us. I wished we had known and was in a small way grieving the loss of pictures we could have had if we had sent something earlier. But God showed me (as I pondered the regret issue) that a big part of the solution is TRUST. I needed to trust Him that it was fine and maybe even good (for whatever reasons) that we hadn’t sent anything before. If it hadn’t been fine or good, He would have done something about it. So I could trust Him, grieve what we had missed and move on.

That day at the beach, after we had been there a while having a very nice time, I was still wishing I would have remembered the beach wasn’t sandy so we could have gone somewhere else. Then God opened my eyes. Toby and Lowell were having fun trying to get the waves to make water go into a hole they had dug. And Mikaela was in paradise!!!!! She loves pretty little things as much as anything in the world and she was surrounded by them! And they were free! And she could collect as many as she wanted! And her mom was helping! And I was on the beach, listening to and watching the waves (one of my favorite things in the world to do). What in the world was I doing still wishing for something else? And that’s where I discovered thankfulness. When I stopped wishing for something else and started being thankful for what I had found instead, the regret and disappointment started to evaporate. And I also realized that thanks-GIVING is really quite easy when you’re thank-FULL to start with.

Y, Melissa

Who Me? Distracted???

OK, sorry everyone!  This is just a quick note to tell you why I haven't been blogging much recently.  First of all, my hubby, kids and I went to the coast last weekend.  We had a wonderful time and I'm hoping to share some pictures from our trip in a few days.  But the other reason I haven't done much blogging is that I've found another internet distraction!  (Please don't feel betrayed...)  J

 

It turns out that our adoption agency has a web forum where families from the different country programs can "talk" to each other (post topics and replies) and it has been amazing how much it has made our adoption feel more real to me.  I get to see pictures of other kids and hear from people who are travelling right now to meet their children or will be soon as well as families who are just starting the process (which reminds me how far we've come!)  They are a wonderfully supportive group of people and I love them already!  You can take a look at it if you'd like, too.

 

So anyway, I just wanted to let you know I'm not gone forever...  just distracted!  (I know, that's so strange!)  But I have lots to tell you about (surprise, surprise) and hopefully will get around to it soon!

 

Y, Melissa

 

---

"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Ephesians 3:17b-19

What's in my head right now...

Planning for our church's Mother and Daughter brunch next Saturday... 

 

Deciding whether it will be best for Toby to start or not start kindergarten next year...  (don't even get me started.  I have obsessed about this way too much!!!)

 

Discovering places online where families who are adopting or have adopted through our agency can post questions and answers for each other...

 

Reading blogs by families who have adopted or will be adopting soon from Thailand...  (Which is where, in case you're interested, I found a link to this article in the Bangkok Post about foster families (with the Sahathai foundation) like the one caring for Kamin.)

 

Realizing school is going to be out in less than 6 weeks!   Wow!!!  I'm quite excited about that...  J

 

Wondering how my relationship with God is right now and if I'll ever be up early in the mornings to pray consistently again...  but trusting Him to help me stay close.

 

Wondering how I'll do on housekeeping this week while I'm getting ready for the brunch Saturday and if I'll get enough other people to help (I already have a lot) or if I'll still try to do too much by myself because I'm not good at gauging how much I can really do in any particular amount of time...

 

Thinking I need to work on our taxes (we filed an extension again this year) because I want them to be done before I completely forget the year 2007.

 

Trying to take life one day at a time and enjoy the special moments God gives us because they really are treasures and (I think) meant to strengthen us for the journey...  (I'll tell you more next weekend about my thoughts on this because I'm talking about it at the brunch.  You can pray that God will speak to all of us and that we will hear Him!!!  Thank you!!!)

 

May your week be filled with truth, peace, hope, strength and courage as You walk with Jesus one step at a time...

 

Y, Melissa

Confirmation

Hi Everyone! I got to talk on the phone last night with my sister (in-law) who lives in Thailand and realized I hadn't posted much lately about Kamin on here! It's certainly not because I haven't been thinking about him. : ) Just this week, in fact, I was submitting paperwork to the US Department of Homeland Security to request to classify him as an immediate relative. : ) How cool is that? I am extremely grateful for the patience God has given me/us so far. It's been a month already since we were matched and I'm sure that the months to come will go quickly, too. Life is just like that. God's grace is good and more than enough. And waiting is a matter of perspective, really. If we hadn't expected to have to wait another 6-8 months, I'd probably be impatient, upset, frustrated and depressed. But this is what we expected so for now it's okay. If time keeps passing and it goes longer than we expect, it will be much harder... but God is constantly reminding me that He's with us and He will help us through whatever we all have to go through. No matter what it is. I mentioned a month ago that God had made it really clear that Kamin is the little boy God has chosen for us, but I never told you the story... : ) The weekend after we got the phone call from our agency, I was processing a lot and thinking a lot about Kamin's birth mom and what it will be like for him to have to leave his foster family and come to this strange, cold place called Fresno with this strange pale family who speaks a strange language and eats weird food and lives in a house that smells funny, etc, etc, etc! (You get the picture!) It can be overwhelming for me to think about the initial transition period we'll go through and the grieving he'll go through. But 5 days later we were at a Bible study and as we sang the song "Enough" God reminded me powerfully that He will take care of us and give us everything we need and more to get through whatever we have to get through. I felt so relieved and comforted by the Holy Spirit. So that night when we came home, I wanted to journal about what God had spoken to me about and about how He had quieted and stilled my heart and restored my peace. As I was writing, I remembered a song I wrote last summer called "Be Still", and since I couldn't remember all of the words, I looked it up. Under the title, I had written this verse:

“Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.” Psalm 46:10-11

I thought it applied so perfectly to our adoption of Kamin and how God is going to be exalted among the nations and in the earth as we trust Him through this process. I skimmed over the words to the song again... until my eyes landed at the bottom of the page when I gasped and started crying (which I'm doing again.) At the bottom of the page was the date I had written the song... 07-07-07... the very same day that Kamin was born. I was and still am absolutely in awe of how God has been weaving this story together. I remember that morning so well... partly because when I was writing a particular part of the song, God was giving me the words for it so fast that I could hardly write them down fast enough. And that's never happened to me before or since. So I remember it well and I think it is so sweet of God to have given me a memory of that day so when I tell the story to Kamin someday I can tell him exactly where I was when I woke up a few hours after he was born and how God was already preparing his forever family for him. So that's how God made it so clear to me that we can rest assured and in confidence that Kamin is The Little One we have been waiting for... Isn't God good??? "The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." Y, Melissa

"We have a little boy for you...!!!"

On the Thursday before Easter, I was at the park with Mikaela, Toby and a couple of my friends and their kids when I got a call from the Holt office saying we had been matched with a little boy! His name is Kamin and he was born on July 7, 2007 (07-07-07!). (Kamin, by the way, in Thai is pronounced Kah-min, but Toby likes Kah-meen better... but I'll talk more about his name another day.) He is a healthy, ADORABLE little boy living with a foster family in Bangkok. It's been a bit of an emotional whirlwind since that phone call, processing the information, staring at the pictures, re-reading his information for the 10th, 20th times, wishing I knew what he looks like right now, imagining what things will be like when we bring him home...

The most recent pictures we have of him are from 4 months ago. We don't really feel comfortable posting them on the web at this point (since he's not officially/legally ours yet) but I CAN show you the "Kamin Cake" we made the night we heard about being matched! : )

Mikaela and Toby are SO excited. Mikaela took a picture of him to school and told everyone about him and they had lots of fun telling their grandparents... and everyone is excited.

Here are some answers to questions you might have if you're like many other people we have talked to:

1. We don't know what his official name will be after he's adopted. We can do whatever we want and haven't decided yet.
2. The process at this point is this: Kamin was referred to us and we accepted the referral and have signed/sent papers stating our intention to adopt him. Those papers will be sent to Thailand where the match will be approved by the Thai government. That will probably take at least 5 months. Once the match is approved we can make our arrangements to travel a few weeks later.
3. Yes, we are planning on taking Mikaela and Toby with us when we go to Thailand to bring our little boy home. We plan on spending some time with Lowell's sister and her family while we are there.
4. We expect to travel to Thailand to bring him home in October or November (though it could happen faster or slower than that.)
5. Yes, there is a chance that things won't work out. But it's highly unlikely and I really feel like God has said quite clearly "Yes, HE IS THE ONE." So I'm not even worried about that. Check back for my next blog entry to hear more about that...
6. Kamin is currently being cared for by a foster family. The mom is 57, dad is 58 and they are also caring for 2 school-age granddaughters. Kamin is the 11th foster child they have cared for since 1994. I think that is INCREDIBLE. And I think he is in very good hands...
7. And lastly, yes, we do know quite a bit about his birth parents. But until he's old enough to know the story and understand it, we aren't going to be telling anyone else about it. It doesn't seem like it would be fair for others to know more about him than he knows about himself... and then nobody has to worry about ever saying anything that they shouldn't have said. : ) (Aren't you relieved?) : )

There is really so much more I could say... but I'm really tired and need to go to bed... but let me just say that GOD IS GOOD! And we are very, very happy about this little boy on the other side of the world who doesn't even know that we exist yet...

Because he is OURS. : )

Y, Melissa

Life in General

Well, my dad is the only one who asked me to get him a copy of what I shared at the retreat, but I'm going to post it here (below) anyway... because I just never know who might stumble upon it "accidentally." And since my hubby hasn't uploaded the video he took of Toby at the Monster Jam Monster Truck Rally a couple days ago, I don't have anything else to post. Actually, maybe I do... Here are some random thoughts I've been meaning to share with you. 1. I am allergic to Spring. But I love it anyway because the weather is beautiful, the trees are blooming like crazy (hence the allergies!) and the world seems like it's alive again. If only spending more time outdoors didn't make my nose run and my eyes itch! Well, I'm praising God (honestly, I am) that Zyrtec is now available OTC b/c it works so much better for me when my allergies are bad. And no, they don't pay me to advertise for them because they aren't impressed with the number of people who read my blog. Go figure! 2. No, we haven't heard anything more yet about our adoption. We're still expecting to hear something (even if it's that we've moved up on the waiting list) later this month. And praise God, I'm not pacing or obsessing about it. 3. Life is FULL! While it is Spring Break for Mikaela this week, the rest of life is not on vacation! Lowell and I are planning our church's Easter sunrise service (want to come???) and are attending ALPHA on Tuesday nights on top of me still attending Celebrate Recovery (where I lead worship and learn a lot) on Thursday nights and I'm also starting (in April) a new prayer class for families at church and we have a condo empty that I need to clean or find someone to clean and the MCC Sale (and Party!!) is coming up April 4/5 which means we have a LOT of house/patio/yard cleaning to do between now and then (not to mention planning the party!) All of this means I've been feeling a bit scatterbrained and frazzled b/c it was somehow a lot easier to hyperfocus on planning for the retreat than it is to think about so many different things at once. It also explains why I haven't been thinking about my blog as much lately. I don't have as much free brain time as I did last year! OK... That's the Melissa update for the weekend. I hope you are all well! : )

Just Waiting

Hello All... 

 

I wanted to give those of you who are wondering a quick update on our adoption progress.  Every 3 months  our agency gets a list of children who have been released to be matched with a family.  They take the children's information and look at the list of waiting families and try to find the best family for each child (so it's not necessarily in order).

 

Prior to December we were family #8 on the list and now we are #5.  The next group of kids released to be matched will come in March and we're hoping we will be matched at that time, but it could be June at this point.   That would be sort of disappointing, but we know that God's in control of it all and He knows how and when it's all going to happen, so we'll just wait and see what He does!

 

Once we're matched, the real waiting will start.  After we accept the match, we will still have to wait another 6+ months before we get to go to Thailand and bring our Little One home.

 

So now you know!  Have a great week!

 

Y, Melissa

General Family Updates!

What a weekend! Saturday, I was inspired to move Toby's bed out of Mikaela's room and into his own.  Before doing that, however, Lowell wanted to texture the wall in there and then he even got it painted Sunday!  Toby is sleeping in there now and is thrilled.  And Mikaela's room looks better than it ever has before.  We spent hours in there over the weekend and my allergies still haven't recovered from all of the dust we apparently stirred up. (There is still a lot of stuff in there, but Mikaela won't have it any other way--because she is, after all, my daughter!  : )  We have always been quite hospitable to "stuff.")  So finally we are all in our "new" bedrooms, even though there are still a few finishing touches left to be done.  You'll get to see pictures someday.  : )

Anyway, I'm glad we got it done and got a head start on the mad cleaning frenzy I will be in this week as we get ready for a church game night/potluck we're hosting next Sunday night.  There could be a lot of people here and I don't want them to have to put their plates on stacks of papers and piles of who-knows-what.  So I'll be doing a lot of taking care of that this week.  If you don't hear from me again soon, that would probably be why.

And since I'm doing some general updating here...  people lately have been asking what's up on the adoption front.  And the answer is...  time is passing and we're waiting and praying and waiting.  Every 3 months our agency gets a list of children (and their info) to be matched with families on the waiting list.  Usually around 6.  So there is a very small possibility we could be matched with a child in December, but probably for sure by March.  We're no. 8 on the list right now, but they don't just go straight down the list b/c sometimes they're looking for the family that fits the child best and some families have requested specific genders, etc.  (And after we're matched we wait another 7-9 months before we go and bring our Little One home!)  And so we wait and dream and wonder...  but mostly wait.  Once we have been matched and have seen a picture and all, I'm sure things will feel very, very different.  But for now, I'm grateful for this less-intense time in the middle.  I have a feeling I'm going to have needed it.  : )

It Must be the Jet Lag

Well, we are home from our whirwind tour of central Oregon. I was happy to leave the clouds behind as we flew out above them, but it was nice to visit our friends and for Lowell and I to spend some time together. As you may have noticed, I didn't add anything else to my blog while we were there. I didn't end up having much time after all at the hotel Fri. morning b/c we checked out a bit early (and then I went shopping until Lowell got out of his meeting) and at the Kyllo's farm they only had dial up internet and we were busy discussing all sorts of important things so I skipped the blogging. I'm sure you understand! A highlight of the trip was getting to stop in at the Holt International office in Eugene because we were in the area. It was nice to get to meet one of the gals working on our adoption and see the place where it all happens. We also got to ask her some questions about when we go (like if they cared if we take our kids or not and if we can stay there longer or should come home right away) and found out we are now #8 on the waiting list! : ) There is a good chance we will be matched with a child by March (and a small chance it could be sooner). That visit was a nice treat. Anyway, I thought you'd be happy to know that after seeing Mt. Shasta and Half Dome and El Capitan from the airplane (so very cool!!!!!) we are safe and sound back in our little house in Fresno. And the dogs are happy we're back. And I'm going to go cook some Mac and Cheese because I'm not sure what else to cook for my hungry children. It's amazing how fast I forget how to do stuff like that. (Maybe it's the jet lag...) I hope your Sunday is filled with good fellowship and meaningful time spent with God... but then, those things are good any day of the week... ~Melissa P.S. Because I like to give credit where credit is due, I feel the need to add to this post by saying that when I walked into the kitchen, Lowell was already emptying a box of pasta into some boiling water. What a guy!!! : )

It's Official!

Our official paperwork is on its way to Thailand and we're officially on the waiting list for our adoption!  It's actually a bit anti-climactic, to be honest with you.  Like I said the other day, we still have to do a couple more things (like get fingerprinted again 2 more times), but those things won't affect the timing of our being matched or going to get our child.  So after all the hoopla and running and gathering...  now we get to wait.  It's like running a marathon and getting to a pit stop...  and having no idea how long you'll have to wait there until you get to move on (and then go to another long pit stop.)  We probably have about 7 months before we're matched with a child and then another 7-9 months before we get to bring him/her home.  But I don't really know!!!!!  Today after I got off the phone with our adoption agency, I almost immediately started trying to calculate the earliest we might get matched (based on the variables we know about) and I figured out later that I was sort of trying to calculate our "due date".  When Lowell and I found out I was pregnant with our two kids I think one of the very first things I did was check online at babycenter.com to figure out when I was probably due.  I just like knowing what the possibilities are.  I think it makes me feel in control somehow.  Or at least a little more prepared. 

 

When I was getting ready for labor and delivery, I read up extensively on natural childbirth figuring that if I went into it with as many options as possible it was like having a well-stocked toolbox.  And it worked for me both times.  But while some elements of this "pregnancy" are the same (thinking about names, wondering about gender), it's also very different.  There are so many more variables.  But the hardest thing is this: thinking about it too much hurts.  I can't think about all the options and imagine what our child is doing right now (he/she is almost certainly born already) or even pray for him or her too much or I find myself getting even more attached to this child I've never yet really known.  And it's painful to be attached to a child on the other side of the world who is someday going to be your very own, but isn't yet.  I already know that much.

 

So.  I think it would be appropriate, at the very least, for our family to have a celebration when we get these last loose ends tied up and the last fingers printed.  It will be good to celebrate making it this far and being one huge step closer to getting to hold our Little One in our arms at last.  We're on our way and God is good.

 

J Melissa