What I'm About to Write

I don’t really know what I’m about to write. But that’s part of the fun. I used to do this on occasion, but it’s been a long time since I’ve let my fingers fly over the keys while I waited to see what words would appear on the screen, as if my fingers themselves were a team of writers and I was the reader wondering what would come next.

 I love writing with a pen on paper. (Preferable a really good gel pen, thank you. I’m not so picky about paper, though I do prefer it be thick enough so when you turn the page over you can’t see ink bleeding through. That’s annoying.)

For the last several years I have favored writing by hand over typing because writing by hand slows down my brain and sometimes I really need that. Naturally, it leads to writing that is more reflective in nature because I have more time to reflect as I write    e v e r    s o    s l o w l y    o n    t h e    p a g e s .

But I'm wondering again about this kind of writing. I know in the past when I have written on a screen it has primarily been for my blog - when I had something to share with someone else. Even though my journals might be shared (if I ever finish my book), there I write to God or for myself. On the computer, however, my writing has almost always been with a reader in mind, so somehow it feels different. In college, it was for a professor. When it’s email, it’s for a recipient. When it’s on a blog, it’s for you. (Whoever you might be!)

I have wondered and wrestled for a while now about whether or not to start blogging again on a semi-regular basis. The nay-sayers in my mind say not to bother. There are already so many voices in the world. Is one more really needed? Everyone is already so bombarded with perspectives and opinions and people telling them what to think and how to live. It’s exhausting and often ridiculous. My internal nay-sayers are also quick to tell me that if I DO dare decide to start blogging again, I really should redesign my blog first. Or start a new one entirely. (Do I REALLY dare let potential new readers so easily find what I wrote back in 2006 when I first created my blog? Yikes?) AND I really need to rethink what I’m going to write about, because, sheesh. A little focus might be nice. I have so many ideas of what I could write about and subjects I’m interested in or passionate about. It’s hard to decide. Oh. And also? I need to be really careful not to get too preachy, because, after all, who am I to tell people what to think and how to live!?

Well. I think it may be time for me to tell the nay-sayers to SHUT UP. (I apologize if that’s a bad word in your house. I am a former kindergarten teacher, after all. I should know better. *wink*) Let’s be honest, anyway. There aren’t multiple nay-sayers in my brain. Me, myself, and I don’t count as 3 voices. While I’ve always loved a good trio (Hello, my sweet sister, cousin, and mother! I miss singing with you!) a good trio this is not. It’s really just me. And it’s time to tell me/myself/I the truth.

1. I can blog without preaching. I know how to do that. I don’t want to tell anyone what to think. I just want to share my heart in case it helps someone else out along their way.

2. Focus, schmocus. (Not to be confused with hokus pokus.) I realized this morning almost everything I want to share falls fairly neatly into these categories: what I’m learning or need to remember, what I’m holding onto and what I’m letting go of, and maybe what I’m loving, laughing, or still thinking about, too. Simple enough.

3. Redesign my blog and hide all of my old posts? Shrug. Not now. Not if it’s going to keep me from writing. (I can always issue a disclaimer, right? You are hereby reminded that stuff I wrote 10 years ago may or may not match what I think anymore!)

4. But really, ONE MORE VOICE? Well, in a world where so many people are shouting, I could say no. We really don’t need another voice yelling out there. But what if instead of an angry mob, I can just join the choir? Because is another voice ever wrong if it’s being added to a choir producing beautiful music? NO WAY. Not in my opinion! (I mean, if you’re out of choir robes or space or sheet music or something, you’ve got issues, but they’re solvable. Really.)

It’s been a long, long time since I experienced the joy of singing in a choir, but I can still close my eyes and imagine it. The voices are each unique, but blending and harmonizing, taking turns being loud or soft, listening to each other, not overpowering each other, appreciating what each contributes to the whole, as we would follow the conductor together. It gives you chills. It’s stunning.

So maybe it’s time again for these fingers to fly and join the chorus of voices out there speaking truth and love, if for nobody else, for the sake of a small group of friends who might listen to my “song” and find some encouragement or a reminder that will strengthen them - even if only for the next steps they need to take. (Sometimes that's all we need.)

Yeah. I think it’s time. Me, myself, my fingers, and I all finally agree.  We’ll see you again soon.

Mama Bird Sings

I wrote this little story last year. I'd love to publish it with illustrations someday, but for now want to share it with you as is. Happy Mother's Day!

Mama Bird Sings 

By, Melissa Ens 

For Mikaela & all 3 of my Mamas ~ Always keep singing!

Mama Bird lived in a lovely garden. She was a good mama and she was a good bird. Her morning songs filled the garden with joy and at night her babies loved snuggling in close, under her soft wings in their cozy nest.

Life was sweet.

One day, however, Mama Bird stopped singing. She was worried and unhappy and even a little bit scared.

Mama Bird knew the Keeper of the Garden could help her, if anyone could, so she called for him. (He was always nearby.)

With a kind smile on his face, the Keeper asked Mama Bird what was wrong.

 "Hello, Mama Bird. I haven't heard you singing today! Has something stolen your sweet song?"

"Oh, Keeper," she sighed. "I couldn't sleep last night and was wondering if you would do something for me." Her feathers ruffled anxiously. "Could you, ummm, make me a shell?"

"A shell?" the Keeper replied, curious. "Like the seashells you see at the beach?"

Mama Bird laughed nervously. "Haha! Oh, no. Actually I want a turtle shell. Right here on my back."

"Really?" The Keeper was surprised.

"Yes. Really. I was also wondering," continued Mama Bird, now that she had found some courage, "if you would make me big and strong like Mama Elephant. And give me a voice like Papa Lion." She paused. "If it's not too much to ask, Sir."

The Keeper hid his smile because he could see she was very serious.

"My dear Mama Bird, whatever has made you ask for such things?" he asked.

Mama Bird sighed again, deeply this time. "Oh, Keeper. I have three babies. They're so young and I love them so much, but they are so fragile and what if one of them gets hurt? Or sick? What if Papa Bird is gone and I can't protect them or help them if there is danger? WHAT IF I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO? I just thought, maybe, if I could scare bad things away with a roar, like Papa Lion does, or if I could cover our nest with a shell, well, maybe I could keep them safe."

"Well, that explains two of your requests. But why do you want to be big and strong like Mama Elephant?" asked the Keeper.

"Oh, I don't even know. I just feel so little and weak when I'm next to Mama Elephant." Mama Bird sighed again, with longing and admiration. "She's just amazing. I wish I could be more like her."

"Come here, Mama Bird," said the Keeper, patting his shoulder with his hand. Mama Bird fluttered over and perched next to his ear.

"So you're tired of flying, are you?" the Keeper inquired.

“What? Oh my, no! I never get tired of flying! It's easy and SO much fun! Watch!" She flew a couple of circles around his head, just to prove it.

The Keeper laughed as she landed on his shoulder again.

"But you don't want to sing anymore?"

Mama Bird was shocked. (She almost fell off his shoulder!)

"What do you mean? Of course I want to sing! How would my babies go to sleep at night if I didn't sing to them? And who would wake up the garden at sunrise?"

"Well," said the Keeper, "you could roar like Papa Lion, couldn't you? That would certainly wake up the garden!” The Keeper smiled. “That is what you asked for, isn't it?"

The Keeper gently scooped Mama Bird into his hand so he could look right into her confused little face.

"It's true lion voices are good for scaring away enemies. But there's a reason you've never heard a lion sing."

"There is?" Mama Bird held her breath.

The Keeper whispered into her little birdie ear. "They can't."

"Can't what?" asked Mama Bird, looking back at him and cocking her head to the side.

"Lions can't sing!” said the Keeper.

Mama Bird was speechless. She thought everyone could sing!

The Keeper continued. “Lion voices are good for roaring, but not for singing."

"And another thing, Mama Bird. If I gave you a shell, like a turtle, your babies could sleep under you, but they wouldn't be able to FEEL you. They would only feel your hard shell. Not your downy body. Do you want them to sleep under a shell or snuggle under your wings?

It's true that mama turtles lay eggs like you do, but they are gone before their babies are born. Baby turtles never snuggle with their mothers in a nest. Shells are good for protecting, but not for snuggling."

Mama Bird could hardly bear the thought of not being able to pull her little ones close to her side where they love to sleep under her wings.

"Oh." She said quietly. "I didn't know."

The Keeper waited while Mama Bird thought about what he had said. All of a sudden she looked up again.

"Wait. You asked if I was tired of flying. Why? What did you mean?"

"Well," the Keeper said slowly, taking a deep breath. "If I make you big and strong like Mama Elephant..."

He stopped and waited.

Mama Bird knew. Her gaze lowered and she stared at a leaf on the ground below her. "If you make me strong like Mama Elephant, I won't be able to fly.” She sighed again. “I'll be too heavy."

The Keeper slowly nodded his head.

Mama Bird was quiet for a minute. She could hear some other birds chirping and lions roaring and elephants trumpeting off in the distance.

"But what about my babies?" she asked at last. "How can I keep them safe if I’m not big and strong and scary and don’t have a shell to cover them with?"

"Trust me with your babies, sweet Mama Bird. I'll tend to them when they're sick and watch out for predators. This is my garden, after all! Your job is to sing to them, to pull them close to your heart, and to teach them how to fly. It's what you do best!”

The Keeper scooped Mama Bird into his hands and placed her on a branch next to him. “Your nest, your songs, your gentleness, your wings, your smallness... They're all gifts for you and your family and friends, dear Mama Bird. You're not a mistake. You're a beautiful bird! You are just right! And the garden loves you just exactly the way you are."

With a wink, the Keeper whistled as he walked on to visit another part of the Garden as Mama Bird flew back to her nest and her little ones with a new peace in her heart. Maybe she wasn't scary like Papa Lion or strong like Mama Elephant or safe like she had imagined the turtles to be. But she was a bird!

She could fly!

She could sing!

She could snuggle in her cozy nest with her babies and they could be happy together.

The Keeper was near and promised to watch over them. Mama Bird's job was to trust him and to fill the garden with her songs.

So that's just what she did.

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lord, thank you for my strengths. Please forgive me for discounting them and wishing I were different. My strengths are part of how you made me to reflect you and your glory. But Lord, thank you also for my weaknesses. They keep me coming back to you for help every single day. May your power be perfected in my weaknesses even as you use the gifts you've given me for your kingdom. Teach us all to trust you with how you've created us. We are the work of your loving hands, made in your image. Thank You. In Jesus' Name, Amen

From this Mama’s heart to yours with love,

Melissa

I Will Also Dance

I am so thankful to be part of Bonnie Gray's launch team for her beautiful - inside and out - new book, Whispers of Rest. It just released yesterday!

I've been reading it for close to four weeks* and it's been like I imagine cups of water feel when handed to marathon runners. This devotional has been poetic, practical, and peaceful relief and refreshment on a daily basis during a time when I have desperately needed it.

Jesus has met me through these pages.

In recent days, God has used Bonnie's words to remind me my hope is in Him. Not doctors or teenagers or myself or anyone else. My hope is in Christ and the Holy Spirit IN me and IN God's people. But even so, clinging to my God of Hope lately has felt like a tug-of-war with desperation and anxiety trying mighty hard to defeat me.

Monday this week I tried to count everything as JOY. Ten years ago I wrote a song called "Count It All Joy", and I dug it out so I could remember the words. What amazed me wasn't the song, but ALL of the songs. I found song after song after song after song I had written 3-10 years ago.

Where had my song gone?

I opened this Monday afternoon. Even the chocolate was preaching at me!

I was so sad to see how grief and stress and other problems in recent years had stolen my joy.

I woke up in the middle of the night and cried a bit. Then I woke up yesterday morning and read these words in Whispers of Rest:

God whispered to me that it was time to PLAY. A couple of pages later, I read this:

"Dare to be renewed. Dare to play. Today. ... Make time to play. Be child-like. Laugh, waste some time, SING, dance, try something new. Renew your spirit with joy."

I cried again, but this time touched by the tenderness of the Holy Spirit. I downloaded a song I'd heard on the radio and made it my anthem for the day. I danced and sang in the morning. I exploded marshmallows in the microwave with the kids in the afternoon. I even took pictures of the dishes when I noticed the colors were all matching each other (and the tile and Bonnie's book!) last night.

Ok, so I did have to add some red and purple and black and brown eventually. But the blues and whites and silvers made me smile. :) 

As I wake up today, the worries are threatening to steal my joy again. I'm choosing this time, however, to remember the things I'm worried about may be real and hard and confusing, but they are not the end of the story or the whole story. There is more to life than the difficulties and a good way to deflate my anxiety is to focus my attention on something else. To count my blessings and remember the Blesser.

I will still grieve when I need to grieve and work when I need to work. This marathon is far from over and I have to keep running this race. So, run I will.

But I will also dance.

(You've GOT to hear this song. Dance with me?)

In His Joy,

Melissa

________________________________________________________________________

 *In order to participate in the Whispers of Rest Launch Team and write a review of the book (which I'll do in full once I've finished it in a few weeks), I was given an advance copy of the book. (Yippee!) Whispers of Rest is a 40 day devotional detox designed to help the reader hear God's voice and enter into His rest. It's now available everywhere books are sold! Check out Bonnie's website for more info and free downloads, and join us June 5 for a 6 week online book club. 

Planting Hope

Once a year, Lowell and I wander the garden section at Home Depot or OSH or a local nursery and choose a plant together. We come home and pick a spot for it in our yard and plant it in celebration of our marriage. It's a cherished anniversary tradition and a symbol of hope for the future.

Sweetheart Cherry Tree - Planted April 2017 for our 21st anniversary

Passionfruit Vine - Planted April 2015 for our 19th anniversary

Maybe it's the farmer's blood running through my veins, but I see planting as an act of faith. We never know for certain if what we've planted will survive and thrive and bear fruit or not. We know some things die. Yet hope and faith say to keep digging and weeding and planting anyway.

Even if you don't know if you'll live in the house long enough to ever taste the fruit.

Even though it could die if it freezes in winter.

Even though dogs sometimes do dumb things and dig stuff up that you've just poured your sweat into.

It's still worth hoping and it's worth planting and dreaming. Especially with someone you love.

Since we moved back from Peru, we've celebrated 3 anniversaries in Fresno. Last year, for our 20th anniversary we planted a Hot Chocolate Calla Lily with deep purple flowers. It was gorgeous. 

I was really bummed that it didn't come back up this year after the extra cold, wet winter we had. Even when the Easter lilies were already in full bloom, there was no sign of life from the Hot Chocolate Calla Lily - just an empty patch of dirt, twigs, and dried leaves where we planted it last year.

I sighed, accepted it just didn't make it, and moved on disappointed.

Until a couple of weeks ago when I noticed some little green spikes poking through the earth. It turns out our Hot Chocolate Calla Lily just sleeps longer than it's relatives and is very much alive after all.

Have you given up hope on anything? Is there something God planted in your heart that grew for a while but now you can't find it or it seems to be dead? Have you left a dream behind because there doesn't seem to be a place for it in your here and now? Be encouraged that not everything that seems dead has died. Dreams and gifts and hearts sometimes have to lay dormant for a season. We wait and hope and trust and keep planting new seeds, but sometimes God breathes new life back into the old as well. 

Look for life today, friends. You just might find it where you've stopped expecting it. 

And whatever you do, plant some hope.

Dream new dreams. Say hello to someone new. Learn and read and smile and encourage and weed and exercise or study and work. Plant something! Change another diaper and teach that little one to tie their shoes. Invest in the future even when you don't know what may come of your efforts.

"So we must not grow weary in doing good, for in due time we will reap, if we do not give up." ~ Galatians 6:9 (NET) 

Lord, open my eyes today to see what You're bringing to life - either after I thought it was dead or for the first time. Let me see the world through eyes of hope and expectancy. Help me to keep planting and tending Hope. In Jesus' Name and by Your Power and with overflowing Thankfulness, Amen.

Where there's a Will there's a Why

It's often said, "where there's a will, there's a way." I'd like to propose, however, that where there's a will, there's also a "why" and where there's a plan, there's also a PURPOSE.

I have a tendency to make plans and to-do lists like there's no tomorrow. (Really. I often feel like everything has to get done TODAY, even though that's rarely the case.) Even worse is how often I make plans without considering the purpose behind them. My motivation often comes from feeling like "I have to get X, Y, and Z done" rather than paying attention to WHY I want to get them done or why they need to be done (if indeed they do.)

At the end of 2016, I started noticing the word "Purpose" here, there and everywhere. It's turned into my word for 2017, and I'm hoping I'll learn to pay more attention to the purpose behind my plans and that I'll trust and rest in the Purpose behind God's Plans, as well.

Job 42:1-2 1" Then Job answered the Lord:

'I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted;"

I last posted on this blog in September '16 about starting a new teaching job. In the months that followed, I didn't take time for blogging because I was too busy learning how to be a teacher and a wife and mom all at once. At the end of school in December, however, my wise husband helped me realize we had come to a point as a family where something needed to be let go of in order to pursue better health for multiple members of our family. We couldn't keep going the way we were going. Changes needed to be made and or pursued.

So just before Christmas break, I turned in a letter of resignation and two amazingly supportive administrators sat with me while I told my students I wouldn't be coming back as their teacher after Christmas. We cried together and hugged each other and took comfort in knowing I'll still be around to say hello (since my boys are still there!), even though it isn't the same. (I can't believe how much I miss my students already! And yes, they will always be "mine".)

A few weeks before my resignation, God had spoken the word 'timing" to a friend of mine for me when we were praying together. Neither of us really knew what it meant, but I took it as a signal to keep trusting. When I finally (suddenly) realized I needed to quit, I hoped and prayed it meant He was in charge of the timing. I KNEW it was the right choice at that point, but hoped it also meant God had a teacher in the wings to take my spot before the kids came back from break. AND HE DID! The school was able to hire someone to take the class and he was there (with his decades of teaching experience!!!) on Monday this last week when they all went back. That was my biggest concern and I believe with all my heart God provided. I am so thankful.

So what now? I'm walking through the process of signing my daughter up to homeschool online for a semester, and getting ready to work part-time at my husband's non-profit while their preschool director is out on maternity leave. I'm trying to get caught up on all that was ignored around my house when I was teaching full-time. And I'm hoping I'll get to work on my book again! (Blogging semi-regularly might even happen again. We'll see!) I'm wondering what the purpose is in all this change and finding comfort in knowing God's purposes can't be thwarted (Job 42:1-2) and that His ways and thoughts and purposes and plans are higher than mine (Isaiah 55:8-9). I'm confident there's a WHY behind His will and a PURPOSE in the middle of His plan. Even if I never get to know what it is, that's okay.

He says, "Trust Me."

And that's just what I plan on doing. On PURPOSE.

Ready or Not!

I was struck this morning by how many big things happened to Mary that she couldn't have felt ready for.

I guess first, though, I should clarify what I imagine it means to "feel ready". For me, feeling ready has to do with things feeling under control. I feel ready and prepared for something when I've had time to think through what's going to be needed and I've had time to make the appropriate preparations. I also feel ready when I've had time to process the emotions and/or issues that come with whatever I'm preparing for. According to Dictionary.com, I'm right.

ready  adjective

1. completely prepared or in fit condition for immediate action or use:

troops ready for battle; Dinner is ready.

prepared  adjective

1. properly expectant, organized, or equipped; ready:

prepared for a hurricane.

Was Mary expecting to be expecting before she and Joseph were married? No. She hadn't been mentally gearing up for an angelic visit announcing to her that she was about to become pregnant by the Holy Spirit. She wasn't that kind of ready.

Was Mary expecting to give birth in Bethlehem? She might have known it could happen, but her birth plan wasn't followed. There was no place for them to stay! I don't believe she gave birth alone. (Seriously? I don't care how busy they were, women in Bethlehem would have gone to help once they knew she was in labor. It's what women do!) But she didn't get to interview doulas and go over her preferred pain-management strategies with anyone. She gave birth in a strange place that wasn't prepared for her and she couldn't have felt ready and under control.

Then again sometime later, she was woken up by Joseph saying Gabriel had come by again. They had to leave for Egypt. Nothing was packed. Goodbyes hadn't been said. Was she ready? Umm, no. Not in normal human terms, anyway.

Oh, this God we serve! Personal and wonderful, merciful and gracious, faithful and always present. Yes, yes, yes. Predictable? Controllable? Not really.

God's ways aren't ours. Sometimes that means that He is working behind the scenes preparing us for things without our awareness. Sometimes He surprises us! Sometimes He asks us to do things that we don't FEEL ready or prepared for. Or maybe we trust that He has prepared us and we're ready in some ways, but not in others because so many details are still out of control.

Have you guessed that's where I am right now? You may or may not already know that when school started this year I was expecting (=ready and prepared!) to spend another year tutoring at the school where our boys attend. I loved it last year and though in the summer I had wondered if God was leading me to something else, by the time school started I figured that I was in for another part-time, pretty-easy-job year.

You know where this is going, don't you?

Tomorrow I'm officially taking over one of the 4th grade classes at our school. I'm going to be a real-deal teacher again. After almost 16 years.

And in many ways I don't feel ready or prepared. My house isn't all organized and our meals aren't all planned and the laundry isn't all done and the classroom isn't all laid out and the curriculum is still being developed. I have SO. MUCH. TO. LEARN.

That's why I'm so glad that God doesn't care about Dictionary.com.

God looks at the heart. God decided who is and isn't ready. God brings new things about when we aren't expecting it and tells us to walk by faith and not by sight. He promises His overflowing, abundant grace.

2 Corinthians 9:8(NET Bible)8 And God is able to make all grace overflow to you so that because you have enough of everything in every way at all times, you will overflow in every good work.

As my family and I walk into this new season, that will surely be challenging for all of us in different ways, I am praying that my response to the challenges will be like Mary's. I'm praying my soul will magnify, exalt, glorify, praise, and declare the greatness of the Lord. He is good and He is with us.

Art by Mikaela

And really? As long as God is ready, I can trust that in Him I am, too.