Giant Baby Steps

We often think of big decisions as giant steps or leaps of faith. In my experience, however, what appears as a big decision is likely made up of countless little choices. Baby steps.

And even baby steps sometimes feel like terrifying, giant leaps.

Three examples come to mind.

ADOPTING
I remember laughing once or twice at the cautions people gave us during our adoption process. Something about not rushing in. I laughed because with all of the papers and interviews and fingerprints and processes (and money) involved, I'm pretty sure nobody has ever adopted internationally on a whim. It would be impossible. Every step required effort, from researching agencies to attending trainings to home studies to immigration paperwork. Over and over we made the choice again to pursue adopting our son. It was not one giant leap. There were hundreds of steps involved. (Do I need to say I'm so glad we did it? I'M SO GLAD WE DID IT.)

MOVING OVERSEAS
There may have been less paperwork involved with moving overseas as missionaries, but there were just as many steps and decisions. Like when to... Tell the family. Contact the missions agency. Tell our pastor. Fill out the first application. Tell church leadership team. Don't tell anyone else. Attend the week-long interview. Fill out the rest of the application. Sign up for psychological evaluation. Say yes to the invitation to training. Tell the rest of the church. List the house for rent. Move to Canada for training. Learn to say, "eh?" and drink Tim Horton's. (wink.) Say yes to vulnerability with trainees. Say yes to Peru. Figure out a potential timeline. (I think you get the point.) There were a lot of steps and each one required effort and courage and determination and making a choice. Over and over we had to choose to keep going rather than turn back. It was in that season God taught me this important lesson:

Indecision and doubt are enemies of perseverance.

It is very, very hard to persevere when you haven't made up your mind or aren't sure you can do something.

WRITING A BOOK
This is the example I am living right now. Most of you don't know that I have been dreaming for the last several years about writing a book (because I haven't made the choice and taken the step to tell you!) about our journey to Peru and back. I have had this little project tucked away in my heart and our dropbox because I'm scared of showing it to practically anyone. I'm slowly working on it, but have wrestled over and over and over with whether or not I really want to do it. (Remember what I said up there about indecision and doubt?)

Every time I decide (once again), "Yes. I am going to write this book." another choice confronts me. So maybe I'll write it, but will I let anyone read it? Maybe. Maybe I'll get it printed by my friends in Peru and keep the copies in my trunk and whenever I feel led to share my soul on paper with someone I can hand them a copy. (Sounds safe and fair enough.) OR will I sell it online so anyone can buy it? Will I tell The World or just my little world? Will I dare to go to this retreat coming up by some authors I like? Because if I do, I'm pretty sure my safe little boat is going to get rocked and WHAT IF GOD TRIES TO LEAD ME TO ACTUALLY TURN IN A BOOK PROPOSAL TO A REAL PUBLISHER??? (Hold on while I hyperventilate just a little bit, please.)

Even though my email inbox is flooded with the secrets to a great book launch and how to write and market a best-seller, I don't actually want to go there. I've just barely accepted the idea of a quiet, little printing process..... that I can control.

(I typed those last words r e a l l y  s l o w l y . . .)

S i g h . . .

Lord, is that really what this is about? I want to keep control of my story because I don't trust others to be kind and I don't trust You to protect my heart in the process? I'm so sorry.

Friend, maybe you're in the middle of your own Big Decision that is made up of lots of tiny choices. Can we do this together? Even if we aren't quite ready to say "YES" to the next step, can we at least say "NO" to some enemies?

By your power and in your name, Jesus, I say no to fear. I say no to doubt. I say no to my desire to control and protect my story and my heart. I say no to fear of failure. I say no to fear of man. To fear of rejection and to worry and anxiety. And I do say yes to You, Holy Spirit. Yes to your power at work in my weaknesses. Yes to weakness turned into strength. And yes to letting the Family of God encourage me in this journey.

I have held back sharing because I've been afraid people wouldn't understand my dream and I wouldn't feel validated and that might mean I should quit. I've also felt like I needed to be sure all by myself before I shared with anyone else because I needed to not depend on validation from others. This morning, however, I believe God showed me the third way. (There's almost always a third way.)

Share with others in the Body, not for the sake of validation, but for the sake of mutual encouragement.

What would it be like if I invite you to take this journey with me? What if I let you and others encourage me? What if just being in this with me encourages you on your journey and inspires you to take your own scary baby steps?
What if I stop making this about me and instead make it about God and His people?

That's a lot harder to say "no" to.

If nothing else, I'm sure I don't want fear to be my reason for not making a choice. Even if I take no other steps today, I may find saying "no" to fear is a big enough baby step after all. For today, at least.

Walk By Faith...

Walk with me?
~Melissa

Well, Hi!

: ) "Well, hi!" If you went to college with me, you might remember a certain guy who was associated with that greeting. He might not have been the only one. He's just the one I remember. Probably because I fell in love with and married him.  : )

Well, this guy and I are embarking on an adventure the likes of which I never could have dreamed up on my own. And things are moving like a roller-coaster click click click click clicking up a big hill and I'm holding on tight and holding my breath. It seemed like just a minute ago we were safely in line and all of a sudden we're strapped in and climbing up a hill ready for the ride of a lifetime! Let me explain.

At the end of January and through much of Spring we had about 20% of our fundraising pledged. It took from then all the way to the end of July to get to 45%. Let me help you with the math... that was about 6 months for the next 25% increase.

As of today we are just over 70%. Our pledged support has jumped another 25% in less than one month. A significant portion of that has come in even just this week and we know there is more coming. Almost every day now we hear of someone new who has given or is going to. It is overwhelming. It is humbling.

It is GOD.

As things have sped up so quickly it has made me take another good, long, hard look at what we're doing.  It is hard to accept so much sacrificial giving.  It is scary to be invested in. But this good, hard look has been good because God has used it to remind me again of some really, really important truths.

1. People are investing in God's Kingdom - not Lowell & Melissa's Kingdom.
2. I can't do anything without God.
3. God doesn't expect me to.
4. God does expect me to trust Him and seek Him and expect to find Him.
5. God plans to do things through us as we walk with Him, abiding in His love and power - whether we realize He is using us or not.
6. God will supply all of our needs one day at a time.
7. I can do all things through Christ.
8. He really has called us to this.

He really has called us to this.  That is perhaps the biggest reassurance for me of all right now.  As things go from "somewhere out there" to "coming around the corner!" we need to have the peace that comes from knowing this was not our idea.  So I am grateful that He is gladly confirming that to us.  He is wildly confirming that to us.  And I'm excited to see what's next... because I think after we get off the first part of this ride, we're going to be like Toby when he got off of his first roller coaster this summer.

Grinning from ear to ear proclaiming for all to hear:  "THAT WAS AWESOME!!!!!"

The Oregon Trail

Funny...  trails can turn into trials with just the switch of two letters.  : )  But thankfully, this trail was no trial.  We enjoyed our trip to Oregon to visit the New Hope Bible Church in Grants Pass so very much.  I wrote a couple of posts on our other blog about our time there...

This one about our trip up there  and  this one about our time there.

Happy trails to you!

Kid Steps

I wrote last night over at our other blog about another part of the process... So click on over!

And if you haven't already added our other blog to your reader subscriptions or subscribed to it by email, I'd encourage you to do that too...  We even got our own official domain name.

www.ensfamily.org

Easy!  I might start writing more over there and less over here.  Though I'm reluctant to leave this little space of mine on the www permanently...  : )

See ya there!

No Fear

Father, I remember when we first got here and started training.  The stories of suffering so many have gone through scared me so much.  I remember the day we were practicing listening to You speak to us.  As my small group listened for You to speak on my behalf, one guy heard the words "NO FEAR".  Another had a picture come to mind of me preparing a motorcycle ramp and then riding off of it with (you guessed it) NO FEAR.  I laughed because it was so different than how I felt, but prayed You would work in my heart to make it true.

As we were preparing for our silent retreat a couple of weeks ago, it was so special to me that Psalm 34 was used in our worship time.  Verse 4 says "I sought the Lord, and He answered me.  He delivered me from all my fears."  That was the verse You used back almost exactly 15 years ago to deliver me from my fear of getting engaged to Lowell.  : )  I had been engaged once before to another guy and was scared to get engaged again, but You delivered me from my fear.  Those verses in my Bible are underlined in green felt tip pen and dated 11/27/95.  So here we are almost exactly 15 years later and once again You've been working to deliver me from my fears.  That verse reminds me that what I was afraid of (getting engaged to Lowell) was (aside from giving my heart to You) the best choice I've ever made in my life.  : )

You also reminded me about how I felt before we traveled to adopt Timothy.  (Scared again!!!)  You reminded me of how I felt before leading worship at one of our first Grove women's retreats.  (Scared again!)  You reminded me that the things I have been the most afraid of have turned out to be some of the greatest TREASURES in my life.  Wow.

So as I look toward the future, it's not that there won't be things to be afraid of.  There probably will.  But I'm not held captive by fear anymore.  I still remember when Beth Moore spoke in Fresno about 5 years ago and she said if we weren't pushing past our fears, we likely weren't living in Your will.  So often in this journey people have said "You are so brave!" Father, only You know how much I haven't felt brave at all.  Terrified would have been a better description of how I felt!  But You helped me.  I don't know if this will make sense to anyone else or not, but I know that instead of helping me not be afraid of "scary imaginary situation", You asked me first if I could just trust You with my fear. You said, "Forget the 'scary imaginary situation' and just give Me your fear."  And through my tears, as I did that, the fear melted away.  You delivered me from my fears.  And for that I am so thankful.

But, please don't let me forget...  That was a couple of months ago and sometimes the fear tries to come back.  The enemy tries to make me doubt and dread the transitions and challenges to come and my ability to handle them.  But it's never going to be my ability or strength that will get me through.  It will always be Yours. It will always be Your courage.  Your strength.  Your peace.  Your hand.  Your grace.  Your Word.  Your Truth.  Your Spirit.  Your LOVE.  Your power.  Your presence.  YOU.

So I won't worry about whether or not I will be afraid tomorrow.    

For now...  for this moment, I accept Your perfect peace.  

And again, I say thank You.

"You will keep in perfect peace

those whose minds are steadfast,

because they trust in You.

Trust in the LORD forever,

for the LORD, the LORD Himself,

is the Rock eternal."

Isaiah 26:3-4

On the Verge...

Verge.  What a strange word.  According to my favorite online dictionary it means:

1.  the edge, rim, or margin of something.

2.  the limit or point beyond which something begins or occurs; brink

3.  a limiting belt, strip, or border of something

There are actually another 10 definitions for "verge" (inluding "a palletlike lever formerly used in inexpensive pendulum clocks".  Huh.  Who knew?) (I know...  who cares?)

Ummm, I thought I was on the verge of saying something meaningful...  Let's see...

These days I feel like I'm on the verge of many things.  On the verge of catching up with my studies... (I was for a while, anyway.)  On the verge of tears...  On the verge of being in the US...  (We are living only a few miles from the US/Canada border.)  Pretty soon we'll be on the verge of finishing our training.  Probably most significantly, we're on the verge of having an official missions assignment.  In the next few weeks, we'll know where MBMSI is going to send us!  (Assuming, that is, that they still want us on their team...!)  This stirs up a lot of mixed feelings.  It's exciting, but also a bit intimidating.  We've never done this before!

I am so grateful for how God sends me courage just when I need it.  I'm so thankful that He has been showing me over the last weeks that HE is the initiator in His kingdom and my job is just to RESPOND.  I don't need to overthink all of this.  It would be really easy for God to tell us not to do this.  (God has stopped us from doing lots of other things through the years).  On the other hand, there has been nothing easy about getting us to this point!!!  : )

It's actually been quite a climb.  And we're on the verge of seeing what's over the horizon.  Wow.  It's not often in life that I am so keenly aware that I am in the middle of a life changing season.  Maybe I'm on the verge of being over-dramatic here, but this really feels like a big deal.  Bigger than I can wrap my head around.  

So I think I'll stop trying to stretch my brain big enough to grasp the "big-ness" of what's going on and just keep on keeping my eyes on Christ.  He's doing so many really important things in my heart and mind these days.  I'm learning so much.  God is such a good teacher.  : )  

(And, by the way...  I am saying "I" a lot in this, even though Lowell and I are obviously in this together.  But my husband, as strong as he might be, isn't strong enough to drag me along if I haven't made up my mind.  We choose together, but we have to choose on our own as well.)

Anyway, it goes back to being a Responder.  Back in April, the day before we came up to Canada for the first real step of our interview process, I wrote this (almost) song:

It is written that I am the clay and You are the Potter

My life is yours to mold, shape and guide

Through the fire... But Lord, You are so much more

To this one who depends on You

To lead me through this life

I want to live for You

I am the clay, You are the Potter

I am the arrow, You are the Archer

With Your hand on my heart, guiding my path

You are my Shepherd, I'm Your little lamb

I might be the singer, but You are the song

I'm a tool in your hand as You build the Kingdom

I'm a branch, but You are the Vine,

The Gardener and the Life flowing in me

If I am a soldier, You're my Commander

If I am a pen, You are the Writer

If I have a story, it's Yours to author and tell

I am Your child, You are my Father

Fulfill your plans and destiny for me Lord

If You have a mission, I'll be Your missionary...

You have a dream...

I'll dream it with You...

Use me Lord.

God is issuing me a grand invitation to a whole new life serving in His Kingdom.  All I have to do is RSVP.  "Répondez s'il vous plaît."  Respond, if you please...

Wherever, whenever, Lord.  I trust You.  I'll be there.

For the JOY...

As our family prepares to embark on this super-exciting (and super-challenging!) journey, I'm so SO grateful for the lessons God has been teaching me and for how He's showing me in such a tangible way that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH HIM.  It doesn't say that nothing is impossible if He does it for me.  It doesn't say nothing is impossible if I talk to Him without looking at Him like He's in the room over there somewhere busy doing something else while I'm busy over here.  It says WITH HIM.  With His strength working in me.  With His peace guarding my heart.  With His hand covering me.  With my eyes fixed on Him instead of on the waves.  


I am so grateful for how God has been drawing me closer to Him through this.  I'm thankful for His patience with me.  For His reassurance over and over again that He is going to supply EVERYTHING WE NEED and that much of that will come through an intimate relationship with Him.  He keeps encouraging me when I get discouraged.  In fact, that seems to be a big stronghold He is working on dislodging from my heart...  my tendency to get discouraged when things get tough.  He wants to teach me to PERSEVERE.  And nothing will teach perseverance like...... having to persevere!  : )

So, here I am.  Persevering, but finding (as I search for it) JOY in the middle of it.  I'm so thankful (again) that God doesn't just want my body to keep going without my heart.  He doesn't just want me to move out of this house, exhausted, frustrated and worn out.  He wants me to find JOY in it!

"²Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  (James 1:2-4)


"⁶In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ⁸Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy,⁹for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."  (1 Peter 1:6-9)


Do you see that???  Wow.  Greatly rejoice...  Pure, inexpressible and glorious joy.  Reminds me of how Jesus persevered through being crucified...  FOR THE JOY SET BEFORE HIM.

"¹Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. ²Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."  (Hebrews 12:1-3)

If you would like to join (officially) in praying for us as we enter into our training time, we would be so honored...  We actually have to have at least 40 people signed, sealed and committed to praying for us daily by the time we get to Canada.  If God puts it on your heart to be one of those people, please let me know either in the comments or by email and I'll send you the form.


Keep fixing your eyes on Him...  and pray that we do the same.


~Melissa

Grace and Peace...

That's what I need.  And lots of it.  Every. Single. Day.  And that's what God promises to supply me.  When I remember to rest in Him and when I forget, His grace is unfailingly strong.  Strong enough to hold me and my family together even when He's turning our lives inside out and upside down, as a matter of fact!  In case you haven't heard already through some grapevine or other, our family is embarking on an adventure that to some might seem ordinary, but to me (and I think most people) is anything but normal.

Last Spring we applied and have been accepted to go into training as long-term missionaries with our church family's (yes, I mean denomination if you know what that means) missions organization.  There is obviously a story to be told with this great big move we're making and you can read more about our journey over at our family's shiny-new blog:  http://familiaens.blogspot.com/. (I'll probably mention it here whenever I post something new over there.)  That's where I'll update people about what's going on with our family, but this blog will still be the place for my random thoughts ranging from muddy water to laundry to moving (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!)...

Oh.  Sorry.  Did you hear that?  I was just screaming a little inside.  : )  Leave it to God to invite us to go on this amazing adventure with Him--but make me clean out my house first.  : )  Well, I can't complain, really, because I'm so, so, so, SO incredibly excited and grateful for this opportunity of a lifetime He's giving us AND He's promised to help me every step of the way.  Even with the yard sale on Saturday.  Even with the packing and the tiring days and the happy days, too.  But to be honest with you, I just sort of wish I could skip this part.  But God knows I need it for some reason. Maybe to prove to me that nothing is impossible with Him.... even ME and my family moving out of this house in time.

I wrote a little song a few weeks ago on one of my challenging days (like today) remembering and proclaiming that it's not by my might or by my power, strength or wisdom but by His Spirit and His grace that I stand...  Crying out Lord, I BELIEVE!  HELP MY UNBELIEF!  In my weakness, show me Your power!  He's brought me once again to a place where I have to rely on His strength because there's just no other way.  Not even my super-husband can rescue me on his own.  But God can.  And He will.  It's going to take every ounce of my strength to resist the enemy's discouragement and to hold unswervingly to the truth, but God will give me all the strength I need.  (Hmmm...  He gives me the strength, but I have to use it.  Must remember that!)  And he's walking with me.  And singing to me.  And reminding me to be still and know He is God.  Nothing is impossible with Him and He loves me very much.

And that's enough.