Friday, November 07, 2008
I Think I'm Back (& I Have a Disease)
Well, I think I'm back... But I'm not making any promises! : ) What I DO know is that I miss blogging and am feeling ready to start talking to you all again! (Even though I'm still not really sure who some of you are... Feel free to delurk anytime!)
I do expect there will be some changes around here, though. For one thing, I don't expect to be talking so much about adoption quite so often. While I'm still a HUGE FAN of adoption and how our family has been blessed by being allowed to adopt Timothy, at this point it's not the huge focus of my life that it was a few months ago. As of tomorrow, Timothy will have been home for 2 months (wow!) and in many ways it feels like so much longer. He belongs with us as much as any of the rest of us do. I'm sure I'll still be talking about adoption some, because I definitely do still think about it, BUT I'm hoping that I will be thinking about a lot of other things, too. Especially about God and Truth and the Truths I'm learning from God. For example...
Yesterday I determined & declared that I HAVE A DISEASE. I'm still attempting to diagnose it, but I know that the symptoms are: selfishness, self-pity, grumbling & complaining, woe-is-me-ing, whining (OH, the WHINING that goes on in my head!), sighing, depression, blah, blah & blah. Your basic ungratefulness, I suppose. I've tried praising God and counting and thanking Him for all the uncountable blessings in my life. But it doesn't really fix how I'm feeling when I'm feeling bad. It often actually makes me feel worse, because on top of the selfishness, self-pity, etc. (see list above!) I then add GUILT & CONDEMNATION for feeling that way when there are SO many people in the world and even in my neighborhood with REAL problems and not just laundry piles and hungry children and sticky kitchen floors. There are so many people who are really suffering in the world. I AM NOT ONE OF THEM. I HAVE NO EXCUSE.
SO. Yesterday, I discovered it was 3 weeks before Thanksgiving and I asked God to PLEASE HELP ME learn how to be thankful and show me what in the world is going on in my heart that is causing me to be so ungrateful. And He has already been showing me that it's even worse than I thought. It's like a cancer that has been effecting decisions I make and how I feel even about having to make decisions (wah!). And you know what? Surprisingly, I am already feeling more thankful and praising God because I've been in places like this before. Often, when I get to a place where I'm feeling the grossness of something in my heart that I hadn't really noticed before, it means 2 things:
1. God is exposing it because,
2. God wants to deal with it and free me from it! Hallelujah!
So if you decide to come back and visit me again, hopefully you'll hear more (among other things) about what I'm learning about being thankful. Actually, I'm sure you will. Because God very strongly desires that I be thankful and I know that since I'm asking and it's something He agrees with, HE WILL DO IT. And I'm gonna thank Him when He does!!!
See ya again soon.
(It's nice to be back.) : )
Y, Melissa
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That is awesome. I often get heavy doses of perspective at the hospital. There are so many that have it so much worse than I do. I am truly blessed, over and over. I'm glad you are back!
ReplyDeleteStop by blog and peek at the proofs of our family pics. I didn't post the contenders for Christmas cards, just some fun ones.
Sheri
I can totally relate to how you're feeling. I will be praying for you, maybe you could pray for me too. Glad you're back at it, I enjoy reading your blog.
ReplyDeleteMelissa,
ReplyDeleteI don´t know if this will help, but it just comes to mind, and you can discard it if you want.
It is true that many are suffering in the world, however, God cares about YOU and your dirty laundry and the kids and etc.
So I guess if you want you could ask God if some of what He´s bringing up in this has to do with real hurts or issues that He does care about which are just as real as anyone else´s suffering.... for instance you could be grieving having less time for you, even though you love being O´s mom. Or it could be a little bit of mid-life crisis (hey, I know you´re not 50 or anything...) I just know that when melancholy sets in, ther´s usually a little something there that when God lets me recognize it, just by knowing He´s there in that with me, it´s easier to be thankful and etc. just bc I know He sees me there. So he sees you and loves you in the midst of all of it. And yes, I agree, if there´s stuff He sees that needs to be gotten rid of, He will do it. I´m actually asking Him to make me more like Jesus in things I know I´ve been self-centered and just plain selfish about... but I don´t think I can even try to see that until I let Him fill me and comfort me... So for what it´s worth, just wanted to say that. And I know you know this but if He´s going to have gratitude well up in you, let Him do it. Rest in Him to do it in you. You taught me some of that :).
Anyways..hope this might be helpful... drop a line when you can... Mónica psalm 103 and you can pray for a joyful, contemplating, thankful heart for me too. I need it.